needle and haystack life

This post is probably long overdue. Sophomore year is halfway over with, and the speed it has gone by scares me just a bit. Still no major, and to some that might sound terrible not to have a major, but why stress about it. Maybe that's the laziness in me. Honestly, I have no desire to go to school right now. I just don't care. Not to say I haven't cared about my classes, I just have no motivation to continue. The break sounds extremely nice right now. I will decide on a major, eventually, and maybe I will receive some motivation I so desperately need out of it. I am down to two choices, both are completely different. I will have one by the beginning of next semester. Will I broadcast it, probably not, no reason to. Will you ever find out, probably, in time.

This past semester has been quite interesting. Roommate situation is great. We get a long very well and haven't had one argument. We actually talk to each other, unlike the roommate situation last year. We hang out.

I realized that over the past week I keep a lot of things to myself. I don't feel the need to share everything about me. Or maybe I just don't speak up loud enough. I don't want to be fully figured out. I guess I just like a little bit of mystery. Yes, I have always been a Texas Longhorns fan. No, I don't always watch the games or keep up with the scores, but I didn't just jump on the bandwagon. That would be dumb. By the way, January 7th.. big day.

On a different note, the holidays are just an awesome time of year. Besides the sun setting at five o'clock making the days seem like three hours shorter, this is my favorite time of year. I enjoy the leaves changing colors and slowly start to fall. I love the crisp cold weather that moves in, bringing with it wonderful winter clothes. How can you not love this time of year?

war in my blood...

As I sit here on a very comfortable couch in the dark I am starting to realize how amazing family is. Not that I didn't realize this before, but I am realizing how much more I would rather be with my family then friends. I still love my friends and want to hang out with them, but it's not the same as spending the afternoon with your parents and siblings. I don't mean for this to sound corny, that's the last thing I want.

So it's official I am back in the land of Chick-fil-A, bad drivers, and constant road work (aka Mississippi). Am I glad to be back? I would be lying if I said completely. Yet, I would be lying if I said no. I started to like Louisiana, but I think the like was because it was so close to St. Louis (the land of great concerts, fun activities, and great shopping). I am thinking about moving there after graduation, but that won't be for another three years.

Just to be clear, I am excited to get back and see everyone. I miss you all a lot and I am ready to hang out again. I did just fine on my own though, like I know I would. I knew I would like it and it would be a good summer, I don't need anyone to tell me that, actually please don't tell me that.

I think I just changed my mind. I don't want to move into school, I don't want to start classes, and I don't want to live in the dorms. Right now I just want to spend my days sitting in this chilly apartment, sitting on the couch and just think. Sounds lazy doesn't it. I don't mean to sound lazy, but I'm not quite ready to start that life again. I pray that will change before Sunday.

I don't really know what else to say. I am in this really weird funk (I don't really like to use that, but it fits for now). Not quite sure I am ready to be around a lot of people right now.

Rebekah, this is just for you. I love you and cannot wait to see you this weekend.

"You can tell what you trust by the things that you fear."

be here now...

As I sit here and count down the days (on two hands) until I leave I realize that I don't want to go back to Mississippi. Don't get me wrong I miss everyone there (some way more then others) but do I really want to go back? Not that I want to stay here, but this would have been the perfect time to transfer to that dream school in a big city that I always wanted to go to. No worries, Rebekah, I am headed back down to Mississippi the 16th. I hope no one takes this the wrong way, but I am realizing I am comfortable leaving Mississippi, whenever the chance arises.

Wizards of Waverly Place is probably one of my favorite Disney shows. Selena Gomez's character is really funny, and in some ways just like me. Not going to lie that I am excited about their movie coming out later this month (yes, I will be watching it.)

The Jonas Brothers concert was awesome. It was so much fun and they did an awesome job. There stage was incredible, of course, they are the Jonas Brothers. Allison and I had some really good sister bonding time, I am really going to miss her. We also got to sign there tour bus... how cool is that!

So I realized that I probably should start packing to head back. Ugh. I am a terrible packer, just awful. I am hoping I can be a better, organized packer this time. yeah.. right.

Oh, my sister thinks "Benny and the Jets" is sung by Benny and the Jets... It's really funny. And, I am slowly convening her that she has rabies... it's so much fun.

Friday is my last official day at work. Honestly, I am kinda sad, I am going to miss it (well, some of the people). I am really going to miss Phyllis (she was so kind and answered my 2 billion questions I asked her each day), Sue (she took, or I transferred, all of my impatient, annoying, rude, calls and she took care of them for me), Margaret (she paid me each week, need I say more), Brenda (always, always, always so sweet to me), Robin (always said hey and asked me how I was doing when she walked by), Colleen (she would just come up to the front and visit me sometimes), Joliyn (she would apologized for the know-it-all client who came in one day), Debbie (she was so kind, even still after the many times I bugged her). I really have grown to love most of the employees at Stark Bros. They are really hard-workers and I don't think they realized that I am going to miss them.

I am ready for a new start. New roommate, new friends, new school year. This will be a fresh start.

Had a really good conversation tonight. Pretty sure it's going to make coming back much easier.

Lot of people spend their time just floating

We were victims together but lonely

You got hungry eyes that just can't look forward

Can't give them enough but we just can't start over

Building with bent nails we're

Falling but holding, I don't wanna take up anymore of your time

Time time time

Company Car...

I cannot even began to tell you how much I am craving Chick-fil-A. I haven't had it in 31 days. That is a new record for me, I think maybe the longest I have gone without it is a week. I even had a dream about it last night.. how sad is that.

Another thing I have learned is that if you come in to fill out an application don't wear a shirt that says 'You know you are a stoner when...' seriously.. do you want a job, that looks so trashy.. no matter what type of job you are applying for. Also, clean yourself up. I know you are only trying to get a warehouse job, but it makes a much better impression.

My favorite is when you come in three times within an hour checking on your application. Seriously.. why do that, you know no matter how many times you call or come in I am going to give you the same answer and you are not going to get to talk to Amy. It's really annoying.

This week has been a crazy week in the office. The auditors (otters) are here, now what they were here for... I have no clue, but this meant I have to step up and actually pretend to work. I do know that they were asking everyone what they did on a daily basis (maybe, but I could be wrong.) I knew it would be really bad if they asked me.

This is what I do every day at work: Arrive about two minutes late everyday. From 8:04 to 8:15 work on Liveperson. From 8:30 to 9:15 I get on msn and read just about every article that they have on there homepage (I have learned a lot). I try not to read them all at once so I have some to read in the afternoon. From 9:30 to 11:00 I can be found on the NBC website playing all of the office games. I have gotten pretty good at them. From 11;00 to 11;30 I prepare to go to lunch, this means sitting patiently and waiting for someone to come downstairs and sit here while I go to lunch. From 11:30 to noon I have lunch, usually I am about three minutes late getting back. From 12:30 to 2;00 I try to find new games online to play, Bingo, Freecell, Mini Putt Putt are all usually played during this time. From 2;30 to 3;30 I usually count down until I get off and can go home. From 3;30 to 4;15 I usually actually do some work, I scan in papers and send them to people, I work on Liveperson, and then make up some work for me to do. Then, at 4:25 I usually go home. Now, in between all of this time, I do answer the phone when it rings and I do transfer it to the right people (like I just did), and I deal with clients who walk in and annoying people who check in on there applications.

I know what you are thinking... Hillery you are so productive how is it you get so much done in a day. My answer is this: When you are as passionate about a job like I am about this job, the work, basically,just does itself.

So this morning I was doing my usually msn article reading and I came across probably two of the funnest articles, ever. I just had to put it on here.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/150240

http://www.newsweek.com/id/207392?GT1=43002


Something I didn't think I was going to do this summer... go to a Jonas Brothers concert. I saw they had pretty cheap tickets available to their concert in St. Louis on the July so I decided to take my sister to it. How sweet am I? Though, I am not going to lie I am pretty pumped about the concert... it's going to be awesome.

Shadow Proves the Sunshine.

Seven weeks is much longer then it sounds. It's a month and a half. Usually, a month and a half goes by pretty quick.. well, not this one. It's going faster then it could go, but not as fast as I want it to. I have never wanted to be back in school so badly.

I want, so badly, to be out of this country. I want to get away from technology, people, and life here. I am sick of spending my days at work then going home to watch four movies a night. It's gets old and I can't spend the rest of my life doing this, no matter how good the money is. This is definitely be the only summer I spend here.

Maybe I should transfer schools? Try going someplace else far from here and there. I would love to go to NYU, but I know my parents answer to that one. Though, I am excited about this semester of school. New roommate, new classes, maybe a major, new dorm, and new friends. I am pretty sure this will be a great year.

I have thought more about what I have learned while in Louisiana and would like to continue on with my list:

1. If you pick on someone constantly they will eventually break down. I have picked on my little sister since I first got here (nothing new) and yesterday she broke down and cried. Didn't mean for her to get so upset about it, yet she is very dramatic.

2. Netflix is simply the best. You can watch movies on there website which is even better. I watched three movies online one afternoon and it was great. I would suggest everyone get netflix.

3. I am starting to read Crazy Love and it already seems like a great book. I believe that it will change and leave me wanting something more.

4. Technology is amazing. I spent half the car ride to Kansas City on the Internet, got to love wireless cards.

5. I think I was adopted.

6. Compassion has been something I have been learning about this week. This young unmarried couple came in the other day to check on their applications.(Remember that is annoying) I took them what I tell everyone else, we are still taking applications and hiring and if Amy is interested she will call you. The lady told me that she just needed to know because they had rent coming up soon. What do you say to that? Is that suppose to make us what to hire her? I told my dad later and told him I didn't feel sorry for this unmarried couple living together and he told me I was an compassionate person. Is it wrong I don't feel sorry for this couple? I mean.. to some extend I do. But are they really trying to look elsewhere for a job too. I guess I don't feel sorry because I know this town and the people in it have potential for something greater, and very few people in this town have reached their potential. It's really sad.

If you have seen the preview for the orphan you know how creepy it looks. Well.. I took my sister that she was a orphan and the movie was based off her. She didn't believe me, but I got a laugh out of it.

Cannot wait till August 18. MuteMath.

"Citywide rodeo, you set on the stage

Where all the clowns will go when they feel their age

I know that you think you're not good for anything

The world makes you feel so small

Get on your wooden horse

This is a ride, not a fight

No need to save face, say goodnight, Grace

"Good night, Grace."

There's dust on the stadium seats, there's dust in your hair

You wonder how fast you'll go when you hit the air

And oh, isn't it strange how things can change you?

And oh, isn't it plain that some things unname you

So don't ask anybody else.

Citywide rodeo, step into your car

Look up at the indigo and pick out your star."

A New Way to be Human...

I have been in Missouri for exactly seventeen days. That feels like a long time. I still have forty-five days here, but who is counting. I'm counting down the days till I leave, yet counting the days of this 'journey' God has given to me. I am disappointed in myself for not being where I want to be spiritually. I have wasted a lot of time, not really depressed or mad but just sitting around. I feel that now this trip is going to be a turning point and new things are going to come out of it.

Now being here for seventeen days I have learned a lot about Missouri, especially Louisiana, Missouri. Missouri is completely different from Mississippi. Really the only thing in common is that well.. I can't think of anything. I can tell you important things I have learned.

1. In Louisiana, everything closes by nine. Nice restaurants (the three of them) close at eight. Fast food restaurants close at nine. Wal- Mart and Kroger both close at nine. On Sundays, restaurants close at two. As long as it takes us to decide where to eat this just wouldn't work for us.

2. People are completely different. The personalities here are nothing like the personalities in Mississippi. Yes, there are a lot of nice people here, but people are just not the same. I am holding many sarcastic remarks in because I don't know who would be able to handle them.

3. I have learned a lot about business and companies. When applying for a job do not call every day to check up on your application (and don't even think about going in to check on it unless they call you). Don't even call five times. Call three times at the most but make sure your calls are spread out over several weeks. It's really annoying to human resources and the receptionist to call a lot. Sometimes they won't hire you because of it.

4. Do not smoke a cigarette right before you come in to fill out an application. You will smell bad and it isn't professional someone may walk by and smell you and not want to hire you. (Someone just did that and is now filling out a application)

5. Don't bring people with you to an interview or to fill out an application.

6. Be nice to the boss' kid. Not all of boss' kids are spoiled, self centered, and rude all most people think.

7. Most people in Louisiana don't know what a Chick-fil-A is.. yes, I know what you are thinking.. how could they not know. There are only three in the St. Louis area. I haven't had CFA in twelve days.. that is a new record. That will be my first meal back in Mississippi.

8. God has taught a big lesson since I have been here. I don't need anyone but Him. I have realized that I am content with just a few people to hang out with. Don't get me wrong I love all my friends and I miss them greatly. But I realized that I could make it a summer without some people.. I don't always have to be around people and I don't always have to rely on people.

I am sure that there is more.. I just haven't figured it all out yet. That's nothing new.

I want to go on a mission trip. Maybe one by myself. I want to get out and explore what God has created. Maybe God has given me this trip to prepare for something bigger.

"My debut is coming soon and you already know what I'm gonna do.

You got my time on the dotted line but you show up invited

But before I sign it someone say I'm not making mistakes and please don't be fake.

My debut comes today and my feelings have all run away.

With the man that I am but understand if I don't keep going

It just goes to show thatI've been beat by an industry that I've never seen.

This is me on my knees singing take it all from me, take it all speak to my needs, my needs.

Take it all, take it all. This is me.

When you grow silent I start to fall. When you grow silent I start to fall . "

Lord, Save Me from Myself

I don't know where to begin. I know tonight has probably been one of the most boring nights I have had in awhile. I sat here wishing I had something to do, yet I couldn't think of anything. 

I watched Jon and Kate plus eight tonight. (either you are laughing at me or you watched it too). I had gotten into the show about an two years ago before it had gotten big and while Jon and Kate were still happy. I have just about watched every episode and I enjoyed spending my Monday evenings with that family of eight kids that somehow made me smile. I don't know how a family I never had  met before could make so happy. The kids were so cute and it was exciting to see them grow up. 

What really got me was how much faith this family had in God. After finding out they were having sextuplets, they said they didn't know if they would make it on a daily basis. They didn't know how they would put food on the table and be able to take care of their eight children, but they put their trust in God and He provided for them (watch the early episodes). Now, somewhere along the way they slipped up (just like we all do) and it seems like they have forgotten about the One who has provided for them and now are trusting in the show to give them what they need (yet I haven't met them so who knows for sure). We all do this, I know I do, sometimes we put our trust and faith in people instead of God and when those people let us down we don't know where to go from there and we don't know who we can trust. The only difference between this happening to us and Jon and Kate is they have to battle it out on a TV show. Yes, I know that they choose to do the show but honestly would you say no to the opportunity to have your own show.. I don't think I would say no. They probably didn't think of how well the show would do and it took a few years for it to be really popular. I don't really know where I am going with this.. I just feel like we all have the same battles just at different times and ways. We shouldn't be bashing this family and saying 'I knew this was going to happen' but yet lift this family up in their time of need, we all need that at some point. This isn't just with Jon and Kate but our friends, family, co-workers, people we see on a daily basis.  I hope this somewhat makes sense.

Anyway, tonight's episode was a special one hour show with a big announcement at the end. Take a wild guess what it was. Yep.. a divorce. I seriously keep hoping it wasn't going to be that. I thought this family was strong enough and had enough trust in God to overcome this. Guess I was wrong.. and I guess I had put to much trust into this one family. 

They kept saying how complicated it all was. Yes, somewhat it may be but I realized something pretty important from it all.. life is simple. We make life into this complicated mess on a daily business. God intended for us to live a simple life by worshiping and praising Him and to not be conformed to this world. It's simple live for Him. If we are focused on Christ nothing else matters. Not our food, relationships, clothing, the list goes on. I can't make it any clearer to myself. 

On the older hand, I got a wonderful phone call tonight. It was great to  catch up and I hope you know I miss you. 

I need to hear more friendly voices. Phone calls would be much needed/wonderful. :)

Praying that God would speak to me through this. 

"When all I have in on the floor 

divided, divided. 

When I'm a world away from peace 

behind Your eyes is where I know 

I'll find it, I'll find it. 

'Cause who You are defines my dreams. 

You already take me there. Heaven in the here and now. 

When I'm a broken hearted man 

complacent and tired. 

When I've been knocked out of the race 

I've been a fool for long enough 

to fight it, to fight it. 

It's in Your arms I find my place. 

You meet me where I am. Forgive me where I am 

Where I lose myself in grace, I wanna lose myself in grace. 

Let Your love reign down all over me cover me." 

Lonely Nation

I made it through my first official day of what I call a real job. For the most part... I did nothing. I trained for the first twenty minutes and then walked around the office just trying to look like I was busy. I ended up getting pushed out of every room my dad put me in to "work" on some papers. I did work somewhat my last hour but didn't bother to save the document to show it. If my next seven weeks are going to be just like this, it will be the longest seven weeks of my life. 

Today, it seems that I am doing the same thing. From 8:00 to 8:30 played tetris and some other fun games, from 8:30 to 9:00 looked up concerts at the House of Blues.. I only found one good one though, Mute Math August 18th (anybody in?). From 9:00- well now, I have been on youtube. I did look up a manual but that took only about two minutes. I am suppose to be working on some documentation but someone else already did it.. so why would I redo it. I do get to be Pam this afternoon.. I am quite excited about it. 

At least while I am writing it looks like I am doing more work then I have been doing... I am a pretty good actor at that. 

Within a day of working here, I realized there are several things I don't want to do with my life. One, live in a town where everyone knows my name. Two, I don't want to work at a desk for nine hours of my day. Three, I want a job that has me travel and get outside, sitting at this desk with no windows or pictures is pretty miserable. I am sure more will be added to my list each day I work here. I can't do to much complaining the money is good and apparently this is where God wants me for the summer. He has a funny sense of humor. 

I did enjoy not having to worry about anything last night. Who I was going to hang out with, if everyone got the message about hanging out, making sure everyone has having fun, and everything else I worry about. I came home and just relaxed.. I haven't done that in such a long time. I fell asleep at ten, which was the first since probably middle school. 

This afternoon I am filling in for the secretary while she went to her doctor's appointment. The job is easy and honestly pretty boring, but I do enjoy getting to the people who come in. Apparently, they are hiring for several positions because several people have come in to turn in their applications. People in Louisiana, Missouri are quite interesting. How these people act and what they wear while trying to get a job just blows my mind. I know I shouldn't judge because though they may not dress nice, they could work really hard but it just seems like this would never happen in Madison. If people keep this up, it will actually be entertainment for me. 

I still want God to do something with these next seven weeks. I don't want to just work and sleep. Though I am in the worse possible town ever, there is still so much I can do. I have seven weeks to grow closer and deeper to Christ. I shouldn't waste these awesome moments. 

"It’s hard to trust anyone again

after all the let downs I’ve been through,

haunted by what I’ve been through.

I know You stay true when my world is false,

everything around’s breaking down to chaos.

I always see You when my sight is lost,

   everything around’s breaking down to chaos."   

Redemption.

Four A.M. two hours to go
I'm wearing out a lonely glow.
I miss You more than I could know.
Here I am, here I am,
won't You get me?

I've got my hands in redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine.
I'll fit all of these mosnstrosities inside
and I'll come alive.

With my fist down at your feet
I was running out of mysteries.
Insecure and incomplete,
here I am, here I am,
won't You get me?

My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me, worn me.

Living is Simple

Today is June 10th. I leave for Missouri in five days. Five more days in the place I call home. Yes, I know that it will only be for seven weeks and I will be back here in the fall, yet, I am just not ready to give this up. I know this might sound crazy and please don't question my reasoning for this but I feel as if I am saying goodbye to everything I know.. especially my friends. I feel that if I leave for seven weeks when I return nothing will be the same. A lot of our friendship is hanging out and spending time together.. the basic of any friendship. I am afraid that technology will fail me and all communication will be lost within these seven week. We will drift apart and have that awkward reconnection when I finally do return for school. 

I have come to three conclusions about how this trip could possibly go.

one. I could have an negative attitude about the whole thing. Hate my job and hate being there. I could constantly have my parents down my throat about my bad attitude and how I don't show any love to them. All in all, have the seven worst weeks of my life.

two. I could have an positive attitude. I could do my best to stay upbeat and happy about going to a place I hate for seven weeks to see my family and work for my dad. Have an attitude that it could be worse.

three. I could have a heart that is wanting to follow God's plan for me including His plan of sending me to Missouri. I could look at each day of waking up and knowing that my purpose is to show the town of Louisiana, Missouri love. I can trust God to provide for me and to help me work on relationships with my family. If I fix my eyes on Christ what could possibly go wrong while I'm there. This conclusion is endless and is filled with possibilities. 

I have a new outlook on this trip and I feel that this is God's plan for me this summer... I wanted one so badly. 

I know that I sounded so selfish at the beginning.. I didn't want to leave this place or my friends. But when you are a follower of Christ, when He tells you to go.. you go, not wait around for awhile and then decide to go (which is what I have been doing). This trip has already changed my life and has given me that focus I have been longing for awhile now. I pray that I will continued to be changed and grow closer to Christ these next seven weeks. 

"You’re the center of the universe. Everything was made in You Jesus. Breath of every living thing. Everyone was made for You. You hold everything together. You hold everything together. Christ be the center of our lives. Be the place we fix our eyes. Be the center of our lives. We lift our eyes to heaven. We wrap our lives around your life. We lift our eyes to heaven, to You."

Needle and Thread.

It's been awhile. A lot has happened. Plans have changed once or twice.. well, that's an understatement.

My sister and I went to Missouri to surprise my mom for mother's day. She cried. Allison cried. I laughed. It was great to see them and actually get to spend time with them without worrying about school or friends or anything else. We were there for my younger sister's dance recital, choir concert, and cheerleading tryouts. We were there for my dad's birthday, too. The trip couldn't have work out any better. Bonus points were won that trip. 

When I left Missouri, I came back to Mississippi for all the graduations of my best friends. Went to the home school graduation to see Aaron graduate with three other kids. Yes.. they do have a home school graduation and four of them were in it. That was fun. I really enjoyed the fact that I know every one of the graduates up there, and that the 'speech' was given by our youth minister. It was so much more personal then my graduation. 

After a few days, I went back to Greenwood to spend some more time with my wonderful older sister. I really enjoy spending time with her. She is pretty much the best big sister ever. I mean she puts up with me that makes her pretty cool. 

 Then, I came back to Madison to housesit. While back, I went to Madison Central's graduation. Everyone knows how that graduation goes.. it is the same every year. I know that it would be so boring to have a four hour long ceremony, but it seems so impersonal the way it is now. You work basically thirteen years to get to graduation to hear your name quickly called as you rush across the stage. Guess there's not much I can do about it though. 

Last week, I went to the beach with my sisters. Funny thing is I'm not a beach person.. at all (I like the big cities). Honestly, I don't like sand. Probably one of the only people that doesn't like it. I mean.. I do like beaches like in Dominican Republic, but once you have seen those our beaches just don't do justice. We laid out by the pool a lot. I decided I wasn't going to put on sunscreen, I know what you are probably thinking.. idiot. But I figured I wasn't going to get any sun at all... boy, was I wrong. I got burnt... bad. The front of my legs and my back were burnt. It was so hard to sleep and I couldn't get myself out of bed the next morning. I didn't make it to the pool the second day. The trip was awesome though because it's been a long time since just my sisters and I have hung out. I noticed how we all have grown and ideas and opinions have changed. It was sad yet happy to notice the changes in ourselves, it was just something we had to accept. The trip helped us to reconnect and grown closer together. It was a much needed trip.

VBS started this week. Oh, what fun. Actually, surprising it has been fun. My class of kindergartners aren't half bad and they are really eager  to learn. They have brought joy in my life this week and I thank God for this opportunity to let me spend my week with them. Can't wait to see what tomorrow holds. 

I have officially decided my summer plans. After many arguments, fights, plans, tears, and pain I decided to spend my summer in Missouri. I will be taking a temporary secretary job for my dad this summer while his is on maternity leave. I will be Pam for eight weeks. I decided that the only way I will be able to make it through the next eight weeks is to live out The Office. I will do everything that Pam does. I can't wait. Maybe a Jim? ha. 

It took me awhile to realize what God has planned for me. Honestly, I don't know what God has planned tomorrow, but now I have a little direction in what He wants me to do. I received such an encouragement the other night at small groups. I feel refreshed, refocused, and renewed. I needed that. I hope He has great things planned for me over the summer. I want to experience something new, and though this might be the most exciting thing, it will be new. God has a plan for me. I know it. 

I am praying that God will bring me new friends while in Missouri. People who I might become close to by the end of the summer. At least one person to help make the eight weeks go by fast. Pray? One friend would be nice. 

I am changing. It's constant change. Let's hope I continue to change for the good. 

God's has a plan and He's in control. It's pretty amazing. 

HOPE. 

“You were a million years of work,” said God and His angels, with needle and thread. They kissed your head and said, “You’re a good kid and you make us proud. So just give your best and the rest will come, and we’ll see you soon.”

Life and Love and Why

I am officially finished with my first year of college. Not quite sure what to think. Am I happy school is over with? Yes. But I'm not quite sure I am really ready for it to be over with. Maybe it's the fact I still don't know what going to happen this summer. I know that I shouldn't worry about it, but that is easier said then done, especially for me. Once again, God only knows. 

I do have to say this has been an pretty awesome first year of college. Plenty of new friends have been made and I have grown closer to some old friends, too. My relationship with Christ has grown more this year then ever, and if I remember anything from my freshman year twenty years from now... I want it to be that. I still have a long way to go and I have got to remain focused. 

Honestly, I really want to take the time to thank the people who have helped me get through my freshman year. The people who have let me stay with them... the people who have always been there to listen to me and comfort me... the people who helped me move in... and the person who gives up his Thursday nights for our college Bible study. I greatly appreciate and love you all. You really don't understand how much you mean to me and I don't say it enough. 

"I question are You big enough, and I wonder are You strong enough to help me even stand. I wish I had more faith in You, even though I know what You have brought me through. I want to understand where You are going with this plan. I know You got one but sometimes it hard to see how You're molding me." 

I made it a whole week without a Diet Coke. Reached my goal. Actually went a whole day longer then I had originally had planned. I gave in and had a Diet Coke on Friday night with my chick-fil-a meal. Honestly, I really enjoyed it. So now I am apparently suppose to give it up... forever? I don't know how it got turned into that... and it would be difficult to give up. It kinda sounds like a drug. I just don't understand how it went from just keeping up something I like for a week to giving it up forever. We'll see how it turns out...

I am officially moved out of the dorm… as of an hour ago. That was stressful. Never have I been a good packer especially to move. Moving out of the house was terrible. It took me forever and I am pretty sure the movers disliked me. My brother came and helped with the carpet… that was interesting. By the way, carpet is heavy… especially down three flights of stairs. I am positive I had lost my mind while checking out. Thank goodness I have friends to help me calm down.

So now it’s summer…

 

 

Your Love Is Strong.

"Heavenly Father, you always amaze me. Let your kingdom come in my world and in my life. 

You give me the food I need to live through the day. And forgive me as I forgive the people that wronged me. 

Lead me far from temptation. Deliver me from the evil one. 

I look out the window the birds are composing. Not a note is out of tune or out of place.. 

I look at the meadow and stare at the flowers. Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day.

So why do I worry? Why do I freak out?

God knows what I need! You know what I need!"

-Jon Foreman

Today is Day 4 of no Diet Coke. It hasn't been to terribly horrible. Each day gets easier and I started to become less reliant on my daily DC (yay). Though, my chick-fil-a meals just aren't the same without it. I just have to prove everyone wrong and that I can actually do this. Only 3 more days. I got this. 

This past weekend was pretty eventful. Big weekend for the family. Got to love those. Someone can still be mad at you from 500 miles away, realized that this weekend. I do love my family though. Still don't know what to think about the whole thing. Let's just say I am very thankful for friends. Sorry for the random spill. 

Oh, can I just tell you how much music is a passion of mine. Molly Jenson, Jon Foreman, Sleeping At Last, Jon Mclaughlin, The Weepies.. incredible artists. I strongly suggest checking them out. Most of them are pretty well-known, but still are great. 

And I also love movies. Mostly any kind of movie. But, recently, I have starting watching movies that have a deeper meaning then a silly romance at the end. I mean, I like those movies, but I love a good tear-jerker. The Green Mile, Once, Bella.. all really good movies. I do have to say my favorite, though, is Life as a House. Awesome movie.. and I cried. If I were you, I would check it out. 

Finals start soon. Make that 5 days. Thank goodness I don't have that much to study. Just a few chapters from each class. I got it pretty easy this semester. 

I realized two different things over the past few days: 

One. I have lost focused in my relationship with Christ. Last week, I spend the entire week trying to figure out what was going on with myself. I really can't put into words what was going on. I just knew I wasn't myself. The funny thing is (well.. it's not really funny) is that I didn't even make this assumption. You have got to love friends that almost know you better then you know yourself. This week I am working on being focus. Because in the end, Christ is the only thing that matters. This world is nothing. 

Two. I set my hopes way to high. I get way to excited about something and I set my hopes where really nothing can reach them. I set them up to be let down. I am still trying to figure why I do this and how I am going to work on it. There's gotta be a way though... right?

Working on my relationship with Christ. It's pretty difficult minus the pretty.. it's just difficult. 

I can tell how much I have grown the past year. I was at dinner a few nights ago and the conversation was not for the glory of God. I know that I should have gotten up and left, but I just sat there. I didn't participate in the conversation, but yet, I didn't stop it. So it's just the same as joining in on what they were talking about. Did I make any sense?  

I know I still have a long way to go though. Hoping I spend my summer focusing on Him and His will. Prayer would be nice. 

But for now, I will leave you with a funny video. Now for a little bit of background. Chicago during spring break. The parks close at like 9, but that doesn't ever stop us. There was a skating rink with the door open.. (which only asks people to come play on) so a few us decided to do a little skating. Only our college group would. 

Life's A Funny Thing...

It's funny how things turn out, usually completely different from how we plan them.  When I look back at my life I am pretty amazed at where I am today.  I have been completely blessed and I don't deserve any of what I have been given.  

2009 has been an incredible year so far.  I have grown more in my spiritual walk then basically since I have been a Christian.  Also, I have grown closer to several awesome people.  

The school year is almost to an end and I am not sure what to think about it.  Being my first year in college, I would have to say its been a very different year.  I have definitely become independent.  Summer is almost here and I have no idea what I am going to do.  Well, I know what I want to do and I have it all planned out but plans never turn out the way you plan them.  If I had it my way, I would live with my brother and babysit this summer. But instead of doing things my way, I really want God to use me this summer. I want to have an incredible summer of doing his will. Yet, I am struggling to find out what that is.  Is it to go live in Missouri with my parents, which is the last place I want to be, or stay in Mississippi.  Eventually, I will figure it out, when I move out of the dorms and need a place to stay. 

On the other hand, I can't believe how fast time flies.  Yes, I know it's extremely cheesy to say and kinda ridiculous. But think about it.  Tomorrow I am going to lunch with my brother.  He just got out of the military and this will be the first time in five years that we will actually be able to hang out.  I am really excited to see him and to be able to catch up on life these past five years.  

We'll see how these next few weeks turn out.

God only knows. 

Umbrellas.

I’ll make you mine if you would have me.
With a silver ring that will hug you tight,
Our life begins.
Our life begins with this.

I’ll prove my love if you would let me.
Over and over and over again.
We’ll bring a child into this world
And we’ll say the one thing
Everyone should hear:

You were meant for amazing things.

Give me your hand, it’s time.
It’s time to show new eyes their home.
When fences divide our land,
I would catch bullets with my bare hands.

Because you were meant for amazing things