Lord, Save Me from Myself

I don't know where to begin. I know tonight has probably been one of the most boring nights I have had in awhile. I sat here wishing I had something to do, yet I couldn't think of anything. 

I watched Jon and Kate plus eight tonight. (either you are laughing at me or you watched it too). I had gotten into the show about an two years ago before it had gotten big and while Jon and Kate were still happy. I have just about watched every episode and I enjoyed spending my Monday evenings with that family of eight kids that somehow made me smile. I don't know how a family I never had  met before could make so happy. The kids were so cute and it was exciting to see them grow up. 

What really got me was how much faith this family had in God. After finding out they were having sextuplets, they said they didn't know if they would make it on a daily basis. They didn't know how they would put food on the table and be able to take care of their eight children, but they put their trust in God and He provided for them (watch the early episodes). Now, somewhere along the way they slipped up (just like we all do) and it seems like they have forgotten about the One who has provided for them and now are trusting in the show to give them what they need (yet I haven't met them so who knows for sure). We all do this, I know I do, sometimes we put our trust and faith in people instead of God and when those people let us down we don't know where to go from there and we don't know who we can trust. The only difference between this happening to us and Jon and Kate is they have to battle it out on a TV show. Yes, I know that they choose to do the show but honestly would you say no to the opportunity to have your own show.. I don't think I would say no. They probably didn't think of how well the show would do and it took a few years for it to be really popular. I don't really know where I am going with this.. I just feel like we all have the same battles just at different times and ways. We shouldn't be bashing this family and saying 'I knew this was going to happen' but yet lift this family up in their time of need, we all need that at some point. This isn't just with Jon and Kate but our friends, family, co-workers, people we see on a daily basis.  I hope this somewhat makes sense.

Anyway, tonight's episode was a special one hour show with a big announcement at the end. Take a wild guess what it was. Yep.. a divorce. I seriously keep hoping it wasn't going to be that. I thought this family was strong enough and had enough trust in God to overcome this. Guess I was wrong.. and I guess I had put to much trust into this one family. 

They kept saying how complicated it all was. Yes, somewhat it may be but I realized something pretty important from it all.. life is simple. We make life into this complicated mess on a daily business. God intended for us to live a simple life by worshiping and praising Him and to not be conformed to this world. It's simple live for Him. If we are focused on Christ nothing else matters. Not our food, relationships, clothing, the list goes on. I can't make it any clearer to myself. 

On the older hand, I got a wonderful phone call tonight. It was great to  catch up and I hope you know I miss you. 

I need to hear more friendly voices. Phone calls would be much needed/wonderful. :)

Praying that God would speak to me through this. 

"When all I have in on the floor 

divided, divided. 

When I'm a world away from peace 

behind Your eyes is where I know 

I'll find it, I'll find it. 

'Cause who You are defines my dreams. 

You already take me there. Heaven in the here and now. 

When I'm a broken hearted man 

complacent and tired. 

When I've been knocked out of the race 

I've been a fool for long enough 

to fight it, to fight it. 

It's in Your arms I find my place. 

You meet me where I am. Forgive me where I am 

Where I lose myself in grace, I wanna lose myself in grace. 

Let Your love reign down all over me cover me." 

Lonely Nation

I made it through my first official day of what I call a real job. For the most part... I did nothing. I trained for the first twenty minutes and then walked around the office just trying to look like I was busy. I ended up getting pushed out of every room my dad put me in to "work" on some papers. I did work somewhat my last hour but didn't bother to save the document to show it. If my next seven weeks are going to be just like this, it will be the longest seven weeks of my life. 

Today, it seems that I am doing the same thing. From 8:00 to 8:30 played tetris and some other fun games, from 8:30 to 9:00 looked up concerts at the House of Blues.. I only found one good one though, Mute Math August 18th (anybody in?). From 9:00- well now, I have been on youtube. I did look up a manual but that took only about two minutes. I am suppose to be working on some documentation but someone else already did it.. so why would I redo it. I do get to be Pam this afternoon.. I am quite excited about it. 

At least while I am writing it looks like I am doing more work then I have been doing... I am a pretty good actor at that. 

Within a day of working here, I realized there are several things I don't want to do with my life. One, live in a town where everyone knows my name. Two, I don't want to work at a desk for nine hours of my day. Three, I want a job that has me travel and get outside, sitting at this desk with no windows or pictures is pretty miserable. I am sure more will be added to my list each day I work here. I can't do to much complaining the money is good and apparently this is where God wants me for the summer. He has a funny sense of humor. 

I did enjoy not having to worry about anything last night. Who I was going to hang out with, if everyone got the message about hanging out, making sure everyone has having fun, and everything else I worry about. I came home and just relaxed.. I haven't done that in such a long time. I fell asleep at ten, which was the first since probably middle school. 

This afternoon I am filling in for the secretary while she went to her doctor's appointment. The job is easy and honestly pretty boring, but I do enjoy getting to the people who come in. Apparently, they are hiring for several positions because several people have come in to turn in their applications. People in Louisiana, Missouri are quite interesting. How these people act and what they wear while trying to get a job just blows my mind. I know I shouldn't judge because though they may not dress nice, they could work really hard but it just seems like this would never happen in Madison. If people keep this up, it will actually be entertainment for me. 

I still want God to do something with these next seven weeks. I don't want to just work and sleep. Though I am in the worse possible town ever, there is still so much I can do. I have seven weeks to grow closer and deeper to Christ. I shouldn't waste these awesome moments. 

"It’s hard to trust anyone again

after all the let downs I’ve been through,

haunted by what I’ve been through.

I know You stay true when my world is false,

everything around’s breaking down to chaos.

I always see You when my sight is lost,

   everything around’s breaking down to chaos."   

Redemption.

Four A.M. two hours to go
I'm wearing out a lonely glow.
I miss You more than I could know.
Here I am, here I am,
won't You get me?

I've got my hands in redemption's side
Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine.
I'll fit all of these mosnstrosities inside
and I'll come alive.

With my fist down at your feet
I was running out of mysteries.
Insecure and incomplete,
here I am, here I am,
won't You get me?

My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me out
My fears have worn me, worn me.

Living is Simple

Today is June 10th. I leave for Missouri in five days. Five more days in the place I call home. Yes, I know that it will only be for seven weeks and I will be back here in the fall, yet, I am just not ready to give this up. I know this might sound crazy and please don't question my reasoning for this but I feel as if I am saying goodbye to everything I know.. especially my friends. I feel that if I leave for seven weeks when I return nothing will be the same. A lot of our friendship is hanging out and spending time together.. the basic of any friendship. I am afraid that technology will fail me and all communication will be lost within these seven week. We will drift apart and have that awkward reconnection when I finally do return for school. 

I have come to three conclusions about how this trip could possibly go.

one. I could have an negative attitude about the whole thing. Hate my job and hate being there. I could constantly have my parents down my throat about my bad attitude and how I don't show any love to them. All in all, have the seven worst weeks of my life.

two. I could have an positive attitude. I could do my best to stay upbeat and happy about going to a place I hate for seven weeks to see my family and work for my dad. Have an attitude that it could be worse.

three. I could have a heart that is wanting to follow God's plan for me including His plan of sending me to Missouri. I could look at each day of waking up and knowing that my purpose is to show the town of Louisiana, Missouri love. I can trust God to provide for me and to help me work on relationships with my family. If I fix my eyes on Christ what could possibly go wrong while I'm there. This conclusion is endless and is filled with possibilities. 

I have a new outlook on this trip and I feel that this is God's plan for me this summer... I wanted one so badly. 

I know that I sounded so selfish at the beginning.. I didn't want to leave this place or my friends. But when you are a follower of Christ, when He tells you to go.. you go, not wait around for awhile and then decide to go (which is what I have been doing). This trip has already changed my life and has given me that focus I have been longing for awhile now. I pray that I will continued to be changed and grow closer to Christ these next seven weeks. 

"You’re the center of the universe. Everything was made in You Jesus. Breath of every living thing. Everyone was made for You. You hold everything together. You hold everything together. Christ be the center of our lives. Be the place we fix our eyes. Be the center of our lives. We lift our eyes to heaven. We wrap our lives around your life. We lift our eyes to heaven, to You."

Needle and Thread.

It's been awhile. A lot has happened. Plans have changed once or twice.. well, that's an understatement.

My sister and I went to Missouri to surprise my mom for mother's day. She cried. Allison cried. I laughed. It was great to see them and actually get to spend time with them without worrying about school or friends or anything else. We were there for my younger sister's dance recital, choir concert, and cheerleading tryouts. We were there for my dad's birthday, too. The trip couldn't have work out any better. Bonus points were won that trip. 

When I left Missouri, I came back to Mississippi for all the graduations of my best friends. Went to the home school graduation to see Aaron graduate with three other kids. Yes.. they do have a home school graduation and four of them were in it. That was fun. I really enjoyed the fact that I know every one of the graduates up there, and that the 'speech' was given by our youth minister. It was so much more personal then my graduation. 

After a few days, I went back to Greenwood to spend some more time with my wonderful older sister. I really enjoy spending time with her. She is pretty much the best big sister ever. I mean she puts up with me that makes her pretty cool. 

 Then, I came back to Madison to housesit. While back, I went to Madison Central's graduation. Everyone knows how that graduation goes.. it is the same every year. I know that it would be so boring to have a four hour long ceremony, but it seems so impersonal the way it is now. You work basically thirteen years to get to graduation to hear your name quickly called as you rush across the stage. Guess there's not much I can do about it though. 

Last week, I went to the beach with my sisters. Funny thing is I'm not a beach person.. at all (I like the big cities). Honestly, I don't like sand. Probably one of the only people that doesn't like it. I mean.. I do like beaches like in Dominican Republic, but once you have seen those our beaches just don't do justice. We laid out by the pool a lot. I decided I wasn't going to put on sunscreen, I know what you are probably thinking.. idiot. But I figured I wasn't going to get any sun at all... boy, was I wrong. I got burnt... bad. The front of my legs and my back were burnt. It was so hard to sleep and I couldn't get myself out of bed the next morning. I didn't make it to the pool the second day. The trip was awesome though because it's been a long time since just my sisters and I have hung out. I noticed how we all have grown and ideas and opinions have changed. It was sad yet happy to notice the changes in ourselves, it was just something we had to accept. The trip helped us to reconnect and grown closer together. It was a much needed trip.

VBS started this week. Oh, what fun. Actually, surprising it has been fun. My class of kindergartners aren't half bad and they are really eager  to learn. They have brought joy in my life this week and I thank God for this opportunity to let me spend my week with them. Can't wait to see what tomorrow holds. 

I have officially decided my summer plans. After many arguments, fights, plans, tears, and pain I decided to spend my summer in Missouri. I will be taking a temporary secretary job for my dad this summer while his is on maternity leave. I will be Pam for eight weeks. I decided that the only way I will be able to make it through the next eight weeks is to live out The Office. I will do everything that Pam does. I can't wait. Maybe a Jim? ha. 

It took me awhile to realize what God has planned for me. Honestly, I don't know what God has planned tomorrow, but now I have a little direction in what He wants me to do. I received such an encouragement the other night at small groups. I feel refreshed, refocused, and renewed. I needed that. I hope He has great things planned for me over the summer. I want to experience something new, and though this might be the most exciting thing, it will be new. God has a plan for me. I know it. 

I am praying that God will bring me new friends while in Missouri. People who I might become close to by the end of the summer. At least one person to help make the eight weeks go by fast. Pray? One friend would be nice. 

I am changing. It's constant change. Let's hope I continue to change for the good. 

God's has a plan and He's in control. It's pretty amazing. 

HOPE. 

“You were a million years of work,” said God and His angels, with needle and thread. They kissed your head and said, “You’re a good kid and you make us proud. So just give your best and the rest will come, and we’ll see you soon.”